Wild Ponies Are Born to Run

So I still haven't started the new job yet - in fact, I don't know if I even have the new job yet. haha  I interviewed and it went really well, but it's been nearly two weeks and I haven't gotten an offer yet.  SO, I'm being patient and trying to enjoy this time while I have it. 

I also have to admit - I'm getting cold feet about starting again. I know, I know - it's ridiculous.  BUT, I love writing the stories I write now in the south Charlotte area and the idea of having a full-time job with only two weeks off a year absolutely terrifies me.  I feel claustrophobic just thinking about it.  I've never had a summer where I didn't travel - ever - in 24 years of existence.  The weather gets warm, and I jet.  It's just the way it is.  (Not that I don't jet a lot of other times too, but, it's the most jet-conducive time). 

However, I know I get cold feet before a lot of new adventures.  I'm not big on change - at least, not at first.  Heck, before I left for my 6 months in Europe - I was freaking terrified!  (Of course I couldn't let anyone know that, but I was).  And then, leaving my flat in London and jetting off to Greece - absolutely alone in a country whose language I didn't speak and where I'd never stepped foot before?  Yup, shaking in my boots.  But you know what?  Those were the greatest adventures of my life.  So there must be something to that whole "The things you're afraid of are usually the most worthwhile" (thank you Chasing Liberty for that inspired quote).

The question is perhaps if this is the same kind of fear.  Tackling a new area of Charlotte - yes, that is that kind of fear - the fear of the unknown.  The fear of how I'll handle a new situation.  But the fear of being cloistered and restrained - like a wild pony trapped behind fences - that fear may be different.  That fear may be justified.

And then I have the voices of those older folks in my head.  I can see them now, shaking their chins at me and saying "You've got to earn your right to travel.  You've got to suffer in the dregs before you can climb the mountains."  Etc.  And maybe that's where my generation is different.  I'm not sure if we're just arrogant and spoiled or really see something that our parents didn't - the prospect of making money and being true to yourself at the same time.  The idea that you can love your job.  The idea that gratification doesn't have to wait until you are nearly too old to enjoy it. 

But back to my personal dilemma - I LOVE writing for the newspaper.  There is no doubt.  The question is can I stay content there if I only have two weeks in the whole year to do my other chief passion.  Probably not.  However, I am willing to give it a try and put in some time so that one day, hopefully, I can do both.  If I could travel and write (be it as a travel writer, a novelist or something different), I will gladly put in a few years a bit restrained now.  But I will not put in 50. 

Also, the idea of writing about cultures - people and their stories and their lives - has quite fascinated me as of late.  I really want to go to England and interview WWII survivors.  The ones who fought and the ones who stayed at home.  I want to compile a book about their experiences.  Especially the ones on the home front - because as an American, it is unimaginable to me what those at home went through.  How women had to not only be EMTs and nurses and factory workers, but also had to send their children to live with strangers and navigate the streets without street signs or maps.  How they had to dive into dark, underground tunnels while their homes were being bombed around them.  

And I want to do this while they're still alive.  But that opportunity is fading fast.  And honestly, if I stay here just a few more years, I believe I'll have lost it.  That was something I was going to apply to do under the Fulbright Scholarship if I returned to school to get a masters in creative writing.  But now....

Well, I'll stop making myself sad and go to bed.  I'll leave all this in God's hands - He knows where I should be and what I should be doing.  In Him I place all faith.

A Reflection of Our Time

Swinging from a tree at Maclay.

Dad and I went to Florida again recently.  This time to Tallahassee to see my grandmother and brother who came down from Auburn for his spring break. 

It was really good to see both of them - it felt like a long time - and the weather was lovely.  We went to Maclay Gardens right near grandma's house and walked through some canopied trails one day.  The next day we went to Wakula Springs and saw tons of beautiful birds and scary looking alligators in the water.  We also saw two manatees!  That was quite exciting because they aren't supposed to be in water below 70 degrees, and Wakula is 68 degrees all year long since it is spring fed. 

In other news, it looks like I'm getting a real position at the paper - with benefits and everything.  Unfortunately, I'll be covering the Lake Norman area which is a good hour from my house; however, I'm hoping that I can schedule the interviews I do up there back to back and thus only have to be up there about 2 days a week.  I can write from home as well, so hopefully that will help counter the gas expenses.  I can't believe I just paid $3.49 a gallon to fill up my car - in SC!  Here in Charlotte it's nearly $4! 

Canopied trails in Maclay

Today it crossed my mind how different the world will be by the time I have grown children.  Sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't almost be a disservice to have children in this day and age.  The tsunami footage coming from Japan is horrific - and it's only one of many, many natural disasters that have multiplied tenfold in the last decade.  Here in the USA, I'm not sure if we'll be able to afford gas for our cars in the future - though I guess by then they'll have come up with something different.  It struck me as sad that my kids might not be able to get the experience of driving around the country.  Perhaps that's just pessimistic thoughts though. 

An egret.

 But what about Venice and the Outer Banks?  Will they still be there when my kids are my age?  Both are slowly receding beneath the sea.  What about the little delis and bakeries in Europe?  Will the massive super markets finally put them out of business, just as they've done here?

I know I shouldn't think about these things.  They really are just passing fears that I quickly push back on the shelf.  This just happens to be a forum where I can dig them out, sort them through my fingers, and then, realizing there is nothing I can do about them, shove them back on the shelf. 

Manatees.

One of my biggest fears?  Technology.  I know, I know - everyone else thinks the iPhone is the best thing since sliced bread and if you go somewhere without wifi it's the end of the world.  Even today I caught myself thinking, "Perhaps with my new job it would behoove me to get an internet phone."  I almost slapped myself for such blasphemy.  lol  But the thing is, this "connecting" technology is also driving us apart.  It is taking us away from the present.  From what is in front of us - from what matters.  It is making us believe that a virtual world is just as important as the one in front of us.  But how can you compare such 'advances' to the grandeur of God's creation?  To the Redwoods and the canyons, to the mountains and the beaches.  To the great architectural feats of cities like Paris, Athens and Rome.  And how come I feel like I am the only one who does not see why these things are so much more important than the new things we've created to take their place? 

Logically, I know I am not the only one - but among my peers, it strikes me often that I am "other."  I am on the outside looking in.  Or perhaps on the outside looking back.  Longing for what was. 

A beautiful Anhinga bird.

It is the reason why the European countries so impressed me.  Their appreciation of history.  Their love for long talks (in person) over good food (which they take the time to savor) in beautiful places (like below the acropolis where they periodically look up in awe).  I hate that America is trying to change them into people and societies just like ours.  How they are being forced to work longer hours to compete with Americans who commit 80 hours a week to a thankless job, then come home to a household that barely knows them.  Yet this train is full speed ahead with no brakes in sight.  How can it be stopped?  I don't think it can, yet I pray that it will. 

With Brett - he's trying to keep his eyes open. lol

Giant Alligator

I suppose all of this is neither here nor there.  Just what came out of my fingers tonight as I type.  I'm probably too tired to make much sense. 

Where did 24 years just go?

The Bradford pear trees - in bloom the week of my bday.

Tuesday was my 24th birthday.  And guess what?  I found a white hair!  (At least, I think it was...or maybe it was just really really blond - yes, I think I'll stick with that reasoning).  Either way, it was strange knowing that I've the age my grandmother was when she had three kids.  Two years older than my mother when she got married.  And at least 1/4 through my life. 

I never thought the prospect of aging would phase me.  But recently, every line I occasionally see on my face - when I'm tired or squinting - I start to think "Oh long before that is permanently visible?"  It's not so much the idea that I want to always be young and would rush to the plastic surgeon for botox, but it's the idea of unrelenting time.  The way it rushes by and you can't hold it back - not even for one single second.  The way I study my face in the mirror and think "How has it changed in the last 10 years?  How will it change in the next?" 

A b-day dinner at Kabuto with some friends.

But there are wonderful things about the idea of being older.  The older you get, the more seriously people will take you.  I've never liked being treated like a child - perhaps because I grew up surrounded by adult family members who always treated me like an equal in conversation and decisions (even if I, in fact, was not). 

There is also being happier with my skin, embracing my paleness, being thankful for my lack of freckles compared to so many of my peers.  And the older you get, the more you are aware of your body.  How your muscles react to dancing or working out.  The best pants for your body type.  The sorts of things that never cross children's minds. 

In my mind, I feel happier than I've ever been.  While I can't pinpoint the moments, I can say look back over the last six years and see how much I've grown.  My outlook on life has entirely shifted.  My mind has broadened.  The desire for wealth has taken a back seat to the desire for happiness.   I wonder if that is normal?  In many ways, it seems that as children grow up the desire for wealth is what surpasses the desire for happiness.  For me, it was the other way around. 

In high school I always assumed I'd do a job where I worked hard, did not love, but which I made a lot of money from.  Slowly, in college, I realized doing something you loved was worth so much more than money.  That perspective was validated when traveling Europe and seeing the way people lived for life, not lived for work.  I've never met so many joyful, contented people - especially in Greece, Italy and Spain.  The way they interacted with each other, placed so much value on human interactions and appreciation of life to the fullest - I came home a new woman (perhaps to the chagrin of my family whose ambitions for me have always been high). 

The "smushed banana" cake for my b-day with cousins Sydney and Camryn helping out.

But now, in my 24th year, I am doing something I love with my entire soul - I'm writing.  And, with this recent layoff, I'm traveling.  In future, I hope to combine writing and traveling - to somehow make a career out of both.