I also have to admit - I'm getting cold feet about starting again. I know, I know - it's ridiculous. BUT, I love writing the stories I write now in the south Charlotte area and the idea of having a full-time job with only two weeks off a year absolutely terrifies me. I feel claustrophobic just thinking about it. I've never had a summer where I didn't travel - ever - in 24 years of existence. The weather gets warm, and I jet. It's just the way it is. (Not that I don't jet a lot of other times too, but, it's the most jet-conducive time).
However, I know I get cold feet before a lot of new adventures. I'm not big on change - at least, not at first. Heck, before I left for my 6 months in Europe - I was freaking terrified! (Of course I couldn't let anyone know that, but I was). And then, leaving my flat in London and jetting off to Greece - absolutely alone in a country whose language I didn't speak and where I'd never stepped foot before? Yup, shaking in my boots. But you know what? Those were the greatest adventures of my life. So there must be something to that whole "The things you're afraid of are usually the most worthwhile" (thank you Chasing Liberty for that inspired quote).
The question is perhaps if this is the same kind of fear. Tackling a new area of Charlotte - yes, that is that kind of fear - the fear of the unknown. The fear of how I'll handle a new situation. But the fear of being cloistered and restrained - like a wild pony trapped behind fences - that fear may be different. That fear may be justified.
And then I have the voices of those older folks in my head. I can see them now, shaking their chins at me and saying "You've got to earn your right to travel. You've got to suffer in the dregs before you can climb the mountains." Etc. And maybe that's where my generation is different. I'm not sure if we're just arrogant and spoiled or really see something that our parents didn't - the prospect of making money and being true to yourself at the same time. The idea that you can love your job. The idea that gratification doesn't have to wait until you are nearly too old to enjoy it. But back to my personal dilemma - I LOVE writing for the newspaper. There is no doubt. The question is can I stay content there if I only have two weeks in the whole year to do my other chief passion. Probably not. However, I am willing to give it a try and put in some time so that one day, hopefully, I can do both. If I could travel and write (be it as a travel writer, a novelist or something different), I will gladly put in a few years a bit restrained now. But I will not put in 50.
Also, the idea of writing about cultures - people and their stories and their lives - has quite fascinated me as of late. I really want to go to England and interview WWII survivors. The ones who fought and the ones who stayed at home. I want to compile a book about their experiences. Especially the ones on the home front - because as an American, it is unimaginable to me what those at home went through. How women had to not only be EMTs and nurses and factory workers, but also had to send their children to live with strangers and navigate the streets without street signs or maps. How they had to dive into dark, underground tunnels while their homes were being bombed around them.
And I want to do this while they're still alive. But that opportunity is fading fast. And honestly, if I stay here just a few more years, I believe I'll have lost it. That was something I was going to apply to do under the Fulbright Scholarship if I returned to school to get a masters in creative writing. But now....
Well, I'll stop making myself sad and go to bed. I'll leave all this in God's hands - He knows where I should be and what I should be doing. In Him I place all faith.
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